Since my Dr appt on Tuesday i've had a lot of time to think, reflect and in a way, mourn. My uterus has dropped each pregnancy and it will most likely be a problem either later in this pregnancy, or in future pregnancies. So why does it bother me? I am having my 3rd baby. I should be grateful, I am grateful. I'm grateful that I am carrying this baby. Every child is a miracle and after having my miscarriage and going through fertility treatments, I should know that even more. Yet I still have to come to terms with the fact that I might not be able to have as many children as I would like. I thought I had already confronted it. Especially when I had such a hard time trying for Rora.
All my life all I have ever wanted to be is a mother. I've always wanted many children. As a small girl I would snatch any baby in site and tote them around wherever I was going. When I had that slap in the face of month after month I couldn't get pregnant, I thought I came to terms with it. And then Rora was a miracle. I didn't get my hopes up after I had her that having another one would be easy. I wasn't sure if I could concieve again, and then I had a miscarriage. Another reminder that things don't follow my plan. So when I got pregnant again shortly thereafter, and without the help of hormones, I am thrilled. I am grateful for every moment this child is inside me. I know the pain, the sorrow and I don't want to go back there.
Yet, I still do. I guess this is just one of my biggest trials in this life. And for most people, having 'only' 3+ kids wouldn't be a trial. That is 'normal' for our society. Yet once again I find myself crying to the Lord. Asking, "Why me!?!" And yet I already know the answer. Trust in the Lord, show faith. So I am trying. No matter what happens, I have to rely on him and on his judgement.
I am already blessed so much with the children I have, where there are many I love who aren't so fortunate. People who cry to the Lord for one child. And here I have 3. I am a selfish person. I just have to remember that I am not in control. My faith is in God. He knows what is best for me, both now, and into eternity. With his help, all things are possible.
I guess I just needed to see where my feelings are written down. Sometimes clarity only comes when I can verbalize my feelings. And right now I am putting all my faith back in God. This is his plan and I know that he knows what is best for me. He wants me to be the best me possible. If I only have faith...
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
23 week Dr visit...
I went to the dr today and...I GAINED 3 POUNDS! WOOHOO!! Now i'm up to 129. The baby is growing great, sitting extremely low. In the future (future pregnancies) I might have problems because my uterus is getting lower each pregnancy. Thankfully, right now even though I am having braxton hicks contractions and pelvic pain (the kind that normally doesn't come until the baby drops at the very end of pregnancy) my cervix is still completely closed. Thank the Lord! I've been very worried about it the last week. Oh, and did I mention that the baby is a girl!?! Welcome to the world (in May) Ariella Cheyenne!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Grandma Jones
**warning** This post may get really sappy...
I just got off the phone with my Gma Jones. We talked for almost 45 minutes and I honestly can't really tell you what we talked about. But I can tell you this, she loves me and I love her.
I've been thinking about my Gma during the holidays. Mostly because she sent my girls a package. That package fit in my mailbox. It contained one book on dinosaurs that i'm sure she picked up at a thrift store, 4 cookies, a pair of Christmas socks for me and an angel bell for our Christmas tree, so the girls could ring it and remember their Grandma.
There was nothing extraordinary in her package, yet the reason it stood out so much is that that same day we got two packages from my Dad containing all sorts of Christmas surprises, including unwrapped treats.
The packages from my Dad were delivered to the door while the one from Gma was in our mailbox. We opened the ones from my dad almost 2 hours before I remembered to go check the mail and we found the one from Gma.
Her package stood out to me mostly because the girls were excited when presents from Grandpa Madsen came, yet that was nothing compared to the pure joy when they saw that little package from Gma. It made me pause and reflect. Monetarily, the packages from my Dad were way more than from Gma, yet this little package that overflowed with the love of a great-grandma surpassed every other package we recieved the entire month.
My girls felt that love. Gma Jones sends little packages of love throughout the year, (brag time, one package had a skirt for Kira size 10-12 that Gma had taken in so Kira could have a longer skirt because I had mentioned while in Ut last time that Kira loves skirts but that in her size they seem to only have ones that fall above the knee.) always unexpected and always met with the excitement of Christmas morning.
It isn't about the amount of money that is spent, in anything, it's about the love. My girls feel that love from my Grandma. They know that she loves them. They don't see how truly amazing it is that she sent a package, when you realise that she has 57 (I think) grandchildren and close to 30 great grandchildren. Yet she knows that Kira loves dinosaurs, and doesn't like to wear pants. She intuitively knows when I need a pick me up, when just glancing at the little note pinned to an item (I keep the most recent and some of my favorite on my fridge) can make my day get a million times better. She is my Gma and she truly is the most amazing woman I know. When I grow up, if I can be half the woman, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother she is then I will be amazing.
Thanks Gma, for everything! I love you!
I just got off the phone with my Gma Jones. We talked for almost 45 minutes and I honestly can't really tell you what we talked about. But I can tell you this, she loves me and I love her.
I've been thinking about my Gma during the holidays. Mostly because she sent my girls a package. That package fit in my mailbox. It contained one book on dinosaurs that i'm sure she picked up at a thrift store, 4 cookies, a pair of Christmas socks for me and an angel bell for our Christmas tree, so the girls could ring it and remember their Grandma.
There was nothing extraordinary in her package, yet the reason it stood out so much is that that same day we got two packages from my Dad containing all sorts of Christmas surprises, including unwrapped treats.
The packages from my Dad were delivered to the door while the one from Gma was in our mailbox. We opened the ones from my dad almost 2 hours before I remembered to go check the mail and we found the one from Gma.
Her package stood out to me mostly because the girls were excited when presents from Grandpa Madsen came, yet that was nothing compared to the pure joy when they saw that little package from Gma. It made me pause and reflect. Monetarily, the packages from my Dad were way more than from Gma, yet this little package that overflowed with the love of a great-grandma surpassed every other package we recieved the entire month.
My girls felt that love. Gma Jones sends little packages of love throughout the year, (brag time, one package had a skirt for Kira size 10-12 that Gma had taken in so Kira could have a longer skirt because I had mentioned while in Ut last time that Kira loves skirts but that in her size they seem to only have ones that fall above the knee.) always unexpected and always met with the excitement of Christmas morning.
It isn't about the amount of money that is spent, in anything, it's about the love. My girls feel that love from my Grandma. They know that she loves them. They don't see how truly amazing it is that she sent a package, when you realise that she has 57 (I think) grandchildren and close to 30 great grandchildren. Yet she knows that Kira loves dinosaurs, and doesn't like to wear pants. She intuitively knows when I need a pick me up, when just glancing at the little note pinned to an item (I keep the most recent and some of my favorite on my fridge) can make my day get a million times better. She is my Gma and she truly is the most amazing woman I know. When I grow up, if I can be half the woman, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother she is then I will be amazing.
Thanks Gma, for everything! I love you!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A look back at 2011
In January IT SNOWED!! We had over a week of fun snow play!
To be honest, I don't remember to much about February, but I was rereading my blog and thought that this blurb summed up my feelings for the month.
Rora brought me the book my Mom wrote about her life. She handed it to me and climbed in my lap. She the pointed to the picture on the cover and said, "Ama, ama." I read the book to her and she pointed out on every page the pictures of her Grandma, she kept going back to her baby picture and giggling. (It's a naked baby picture ;)
Rora didn't know that I was missing my Mom when I woke up, yet she could sense it. I firmly believe that she has a connection with her Grandma. It's more than them sharing the same name (Laurel), it's much deeper than that. As if Rora has that extra connection to help me get through these last 7 months and continue through the rest of my life.
With March came springtime! Playing outside, parties with friends and lots of trips to the gardens! Ok, maybe Kira also got some eskimos from Eli :)
Along with more time outside, April brought egg hunts and celebrating the ressurection of our Saviour, we also took a quick trip to Atlanta to attend the temple open house. We also fit in a trip to the aquarium.
Oh the marvelous month of May! May brings strawberry season which is soo close to heaven! This year was one of the better years for strawberries. YUM! Kira also graduated from preschool.
In June Ashleigh came to visit! We had a blast and even took a mini vacation. We visited Chickamauga, went to Lake Winnepesaukah amusement park, the zoo and enjoyed having her here. I sure hope we can make her visit an annual trip!
July was the hardest month of the year for me. I had a miscarriage. It still is painful to think that I should be 2 months away from giving birth and instead i'm not. I pushed through and it was still a fun month. Kira had swimming lessons, we went blueberry picking, swimming with friends and headed out to Utah to attend Shontel & Amorim's wedding.
August found us still in Utah to attend Wade & Rochelle's wedding. August also had a major first for me. I drove home alone with both girls! I still find it amazing that in over 27 hours on the road less than 3 of those were spent with someone upset, frustrated or crying (Mom included!) A feat that wouldn't be possible if my girls weren't such amazing travelers!
Of course, I was busy driving so the only pictures I have of my accomplishment are a couple taken with the camera on my phone.
September brought a trip to Disney World! Our trip was even more memorable because Josh and the girls found out a secret...We are having a baby!
In October I was pretty much down for the count. Thankfully we have amazing friends who took the girls on days where I needed help. Kira was amazing and really took on the role of 'mini mom.' I learned how lucky and blessed I was to have her first. When I was pregnant with Rora (and this one) she was always right there getting me water, rubbing my back and trying to make me feel better. Whenever I get sick Rora runs away and cries. It's so heartbreaking. Amidst all the yuckyness, Kira turned 5! Thankfully I summoned enough energy to have a few of her closest friends over to help her celebrate.
Daddy took the girls camping in November. They had a blast and can't wait for spring when we can all go camping!
In December I started to feel better. WOOHOO! Our days were jam packed with angel tree, Christmas and Rora turned 2!
*We still haven't celebrated Rora's birthday since it's been so crazy. Plus, until she cares, I figure we can wait until the middle of January every year for life to settle down.
All in all 2011 was a great year. There was heartache, but that comes with our experience on this earth. There was also immense Joy. I know 2012 will bring some of the same. I just hope that they joy outweighs the heartache by leaps and bounds! Bring on the new year!
To be honest, I don't remember to much about February, but I was rereading my blog and thought that this blurb summed up my feelings for the month.
Rora brought me the book my Mom wrote about her life. She handed it to me and climbed in my lap. She the pointed to the picture on the cover and said, "Ama, ama." I read the book to her and she pointed out on every page the pictures of her Grandma, she kept going back to her baby picture and giggling. (It's a naked baby picture ;)
Rora didn't know that I was missing my Mom when I woke up, yet she could sense it. I firmly believe that she has a connection with her Grandma. It's more than them sharing the same name (Laurel), it's much deeper than that. As if Rora has that extra connection to help me get through these last 7 months and continue through the rest of my life.
With March came springtime! Playing outside, parties with friends and lots of trips to the gardens! Ok, maybe Kira also got some eskimos from Eli :)
Along with more time outside, April brought egg hunts and celebrating the ressurection of our Saviour, we also took a quick trip to Atlanta to attend the temple open house. We also fit in a trip to the aquarium.
Oh the marvelous month of May! May brings strawberry season which is soo close to heaven! This year was one of the better years for strawberries. YUM! Kira also graduated from preschool.
In June Ashleigh came to visit! We had a blast and even took a mini vacation. We visited Chickamauga, went to Lake Winnepesaukah amusement park, the zoo and enjoyed having her here. I sure hope we can make her visit an annual trip!
July was the hardest month of the year for me. I had a miscarriage. It still is painful to think that I should be 2 months away from giving birth and instead i'm not. I pushed through and it was still a fun month. Kira had swimming lessons, we went blueberry picking, swimming with friends and headed out to Utah to attend Shontel & Amorim's wedding.
August found us still in Utah to attend Wade & Rochelle's wedding. August also had a major first for me. I drove home alone with both girls! I still find it amazing that in over 27 hours on the road less than 3 of those were spent with someone upset, frustrated or crying (Mom included!) A feat that wouldn't be possible if my girls weren't such amazing travelers!
Of course, I was busy driving so the only pictures I have of my accomplishment are a couple taken with the camera on my phone.
September brought a trip to Disney World! Our trip was even more memorable because Josh and the girls found out a secret...We are having a baby!
In October I was pretty much down for the count. Thankfully we have amazing friends who took the girls on days where I needed help. Kira was amazing and really took on the role of 'mini mom.' I learned how lucky and blessed I was to have her first. When I was pregnant with Rora (and this one) she was always right there getting me water, rubbing my back and trying to make me feel better. Whenever I get sick Rora runs away and cries. It's so heartbreaking. Amidst all the yuckyness, Kira turned 5! Thankfully I summoned enough energy to have a few of her closest friends over to help her celebrate.
Daddy took the girls camping in November. They had a blast and can't wait for spring when we can all go camping!
In December I started to feel better. WOOHOO! Our days were jam packed with angel tree, Christmas and Rora turned 2!
*We still haven't celebrated Rora's birthday since it's been so crazy. Plus, until she cares, I figure we can wait until the middle of January every year for life to settle down.
All in all 2011 was a great year. There was heartache, but that comes with our experience on this earth. There was also immense Joy. I know 2012 will bring some of the same. I just hope that they joy outweighs the heartache by leaps and bounds! Bring on the new year!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
opinion please
So it's nap time and my back is out so i'm sitting on the couch browsing the web. Breastfeeding sites, pages, etc and I came across some pictures and I want your opinion.
The picture was of a father consoling his baby with his breast while (I believe) Mom was taking the picture?? Maybe she was busy and came in the room!?! I found the picture quite disturbing so I won't share it, but it got me to do some research on male lactation. I know that physiologically it 'is' possible, but I know that it isn't something that I find natural in any way. Yes, my girls have both been kangaroo(ing?) with Daddy and have found his breast, but he has immediately changed positions with them and if they were really hungry, passed them to me. So what do you think? Am I the only one that thinks that this is completely unnatural and IMO, wrong? And if you do see it differently, please let me know why.
Thanks :)
The picture was of a father consoling his baby with his breast while (I believe) Mom was taking the picture?? Maybe she was busy and came in the room!?! I found the picture quite disturbing so I won't share it, but it got me to do some research on male lactation. I know that physiologically it 'is' possible, but I know that it isn't something that I find natural in any way. Yes, my girls have both been kangaroo(ing?) with Daddy and have found his breast, but he has immediately changed positions with them and if they were really hungry, passed them to me. So what do you think? Am I the only one that thinks that this is completely unnatural and IMO, wrong? And if you do see it differently, please let me know why.
Thanks :)
Monday, December 26, 2011
Christmas Eve
Christmas Eve was busy, busy, busy! Thankfully the house was ready for Christmas before Josh got off work. He got off 2 hours early, which was a wonderful blessing because we were trying to figure out how to do all our Christmas Eve fun before bed...and wake up for church bright and early!
Before Daddy got home both girls decided that they wanted their hair in sponge rollers for Christmas. They made for some cute pictures!
The girls loved their new nightgowns and that their dolls got matching gowns!
After reading the Christmas Orange we settled down to listen to Josh read the Christmas story.
I just love this picture of Kira looking at the tree while Daddy reads the Christmas story.
Then it was time for thank you notes and milk and cookies for santa then off to bed where sugar plum fairies danced in each girl's head.
It wasn't too long before I was joining them. Both girls slept wonderfully through the night and I didn't. For the first time the baby was up ALL NIGHT doing flips in my tummy. I guess he (or she) were just too excited for Christmas dinner to sleep. It sure made me feel like a little girl again unable to sleep on Christmas Eve!
Before Daddy got home both girls decided that they wanted their hair in sponge rollers for Christmas. They made for some cute pictures!
The girls loved their new nightgowns and that their dolls got matching gowns!
After reading the Christmas Orange we settled down to listen to Josh read the Christmas story.
I just love this picture of Kira looking at the tree while Daddy reads the Christmas story.
Then it was time for thank you notes and milk and cookies for santa then off to bed where sugar plum fairies danced in each girl's head.
It wasn't too long before I was joining them. Both girls slept wonderfully through the night and I didn't. For the first time the baby was up ALL NIGHT doing flips in my tummy. I guess he (or she) were just too excited for Christmas dinner to sleep. It sure made me feel like a little girl again unable to sleep on Christmas Eve!
Christmas Memories
Christmas this year was great! We woke the girls up with just enough time to get ready for church. You would think that with it being Christmas morning Kira would have been excited and pop out of bed...wrong! Getting up by 8:15 was soo hard! Church was great. They had a beautiful Christ centered program that was such a wonderful way to bring into focus the true meaning of Christmas.
After church it was finally time to see what santa brought.
Rora got a trampoline and within 5 seconds of being on it, had fallen off :) Of course, we missed the falling picture.
Kira got a Our Generation (target version of American Girl) doll and couldn't be happier.
Rora's favorite gift was the chapstick that she got in her stocking.
Kira's was the sewing machine for her doll that Grandma gave her. The awe on her face when she finally opened it (after Santa didn't give it to her, even though it was the only gift she asked for...thanks for coming through with that Grandma!)
I had a couple favorite presents. Kira took the time to get presents for everyone. She gave Rora a mirror that Rora always plays with. It makes me so happy to see that she took the time to give her sister something so thoughtful. Kira also gave Josh and I a sweet present. She traced and cut out both hers and Rora's handprints and then taped them together. How sweet is she!?! I sure love my girls!
After presents we had a great time hanging out, playing with toys and later had friends over for Christmas dinner and of course, birthday cake. (No pictures as I was enjoying myself.)
It was a fantastic Christmas! Merry Christmas Everyone!
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