Saturday, July 30, 2011

Tear stains on my pillow...my husband, helpless...the hole still there.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Just Those Few Weeks



For those few weeks--

I had you to myself

And that seems too short a time

to be changed so profoundly.



In those few weeks--

I came to know you

and to love you.

You came to trust me with your life.

Oh, what a life I had planned for you!



Just those few weeks--

When I lost you.

I lost a lifetime of hopes,

plans, dreams, and aspirations...

A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.



Just those few weeks--

It wasn't enough time to convince others

how special and important you were.

How odd, a truly unique person has recently died

and no one is mourning the passing.



Just a mere few weeks--

And no "normal" person would cry all night

over a tiny, unfinshed baby,

or get depressed and withdrawn day after endless day.

No one would, so why am I?



You were just those few weeks my little one

you darted in and out of my life too quickly.

But it seems that's all the time you needed

to make my life so much richer

and give me a small glimpse of eternity.



Poem Copyright 1984 by Susan Erling Martinez



Thank you Carin for sharing this poem with me.
Today has been a little rough. I keep seeing babies and pregnant women everywhere. It feels as if I am expected to be ok and im not...I hope tomorrow is better.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Miscarriage

Such a dreaded, hated and feared word. Honestly, one of my worst nightmares. The only problem is that it isn't a nightmare. I'm living it. I know that it could happen to anyone, and most women go through it, yet it doesn't make me feel like less of a failure. Part of me wonders if I had done something different, instead of the hole in my heart I would be rejoicing.
Tomorrow I will be better. Today, I am just going to mourn my loss.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

One year later

It's been one year since my Mom passed away. Thinking back on this last year, it's been tough. The memories are still so fresh. Something as simple as reading one of my favorite story books to the girls brings on the pangs of grief. Watching Kira learn something new, or Rora wanting to call 'papa.' It makes me so sad that she is missing it, missing them. Kira will never read a book to her, Rora will never call her on the phone.
And then I have days like today. I am not 100% sure, but it is possible that I am having a miscarriage. I am extremely sad and yet I am also calm. Josh told me last week that she has been nonstop 'lobbying' my case to the Lord. It made me laugh then and today, it brings me comfort. I know she is here holding me close. Helping me not to feel fearful. I am surprisingly calm. Sad, but calm. I guess thats one of the benefits of having her there. I know that no matter what if I need her she is right here with me.
I know this post is rambling, but so are my thoughts. Mom, I miss you and I love you. I am so grateful for the Gospel and the knowledge that I have that we can be together again. I'm not sure if I would have been able to make it through this past year without that. I love you Mom! You are forever in my heart. Thanks for giving me such a wonderful life!
Til we meet again......

Friday, July 8, 2011

The Treasure Hunt to end all Treasure Hunts!

We took the girls to the park tonight for a treasure hunt! The treasure they are getting makes me cry as I type this! I am so blessed!

video

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Well...Ash just left on a jet plane...

...don't know when she'll be back again. :( (I had to add that... :D )

We have had a wonderful two weeks with Ashleigh here. It has been so fun having her to hang out with.

One of our first activities was free child labor. We went blueberry picking. It was so fun and we had a great time. Not to mention the 2 gallons of blueberries that we brought home! Soo yummy! (and I don't even like blueberries!)

Aurora was a great picker! Kira, liked to pick the blueberries only to put them in her mouth. :) She spent the entire time playing with her friends and shoveling blueberries into her mouth.





We spent a lot of time hanging out. (staying up late...im not sure i'll EVER recover ;) Ashleigh learned about hot rollers. She really is way to beautiful for her own good! And of course, painting Josh's nails. He is such a good sport!



We had a Harry Potter marathon. I couldn't believe it, Ashleigh had never seen all 7 (of 8) Harry Potter movies. How can you go through life without seeing or reading Harry Potter!?! Such a dissapointment!

Josh was able to take a few days off work and we were able to go up to Chattanooga. Our first day we went to the zoo. It was really small, yet it was clean and nice. It turned out to be perfect for us. We were able to get to the hotel early and go swimming for a couple of hours.
Our next day we went to Chickamauga. I just love this battlefield. It is such an important piece of lost history. I was really surprised that it wasn't taught in school, with it being the second largest battle during the civil war, but then I realised that it shows how God touched the hand of the union to keep us a complete nation. Yes, the south won that battle, but the simple mistakes that were made after by the south really showed me how important America is to the Lord. (If you don't know about it either look it up or call me :)
We stumbled upon a Central Park while we were there. If you haven't been to Central Park they have the best fries ever. So yummy! We stopped twice just for the fries!

We went to Lake Winnepesaukah amusement park the on our last day. It was really fun! I loved that Kira was tall enough for most of the rides. She had a blast and gained a lot of courage. Rora was even able to ride many of the rides. Her favorite (and mine) was the slide. Just a simple slide. Sitting in a gunny sack, but oh so fun and fast. We went over and over and over again!

All good things must come to an end, fortunately even though we were back at home
that night, the next day was once again filled with fun. We went to Point Mallard. It was so much fun! Kira was tall enough to ride the tube slides, the only thing was that she had to ride alone. She loved it...until her third ride when she tried to adjust just after getting on the ride and flipped over. She ended up hitting her head and back, barely hanging on until the end of the ride. Naturally I was shocked when she got back on just a few minutes later. Over and over again we went down the slides. Can you tell im proud!?! Thanks Josh for spending time alone with the baby in the kiddie area so Ash, Kira and I could ride the slides over and over and over again.

It was so fun having Ash here. I can't wait until she can come back next summer! ***hint*hint***

Starting tomorrow we will be staying home so Rora can master potty training. Wish us luck!

*****Blogger decided to have issues uploading the rest of my pictures :( If you want to see them look on facebook.*****