Monday, January 30, 2012

Confession time...

Ok, so I have a confession to make. I have been watching this season of Kourtney and Kim take New York. Normally I hate this type of show. It isn't me. But I had to know, how does a marriage last only 72 days? I couldn't comprehend it. So I set out to watch the show to understand it. Morally I have had so many issues as I've watched this show. I am watching the final episode now and I think I have figured out why Kim Kardashians marriage didn't work. Selfishness. Pure and simple selfishness. It's more important to be happy all the time than it is to compromise and learn how to really love. The twitterpated feeling, 'honeymoon love' is over in a blink of an eye and if you haven't learned to compromise and live with the things that you don't like then your marriage is doomed to fail.
Am I perfect? Heck no! I have a short temper. I have days where I have no motivation. I am set in my ways and don't like change. The list could go on and on. Is Josh perfect? nope. With one of my dear friends we have an ongoing joke, "yes, I knew that before we got married." He drives me nuts. He doesn't load the dishwasher correctly, when he sweeps the floor he misses spots, etc. The list goes on and on. And I guarantee that he has as many things on his list for me. Yet I love him despite, or perhaps because of all his faults. I have learned to be thankful that he will load the dishwasher. I am thankful that he is willing to help out so much. But more importantly, I am thankful that he has taught me how to say sorry and back down from an argument. He has taught me to look inside myself and see that I am a better me because if him.
If I had left when I was no longer twitterpated, I wouldn't be where I am today in my self progression. Have we had times where I wanted to quit? yes. Will we have more in the future? yes. But I know that when I come out on the other side that I will be a better person for it. We will be better. That is what marriage is about. It's about giving up the selfishness and learning to accept, even love the things about someone that are hard to understand. Does it still give me a bit of irritation to open the dishwasher and see that he ran it with room for X more dishes. Yes, but it also makes me grateful that he is willing to help with the dishes. It makes me grateful that he is doing his best. And that is what marriage is about.
I truly believe that if I were placed in an arranged marriage (barring mood altering issues) then I could learn to love that person. Just like the millions of men and women before me who have done the same. It has only been recently that love was involved in the marriage process. Perhaps if we take that twitterpated love feeling out of the concept of marriage and replace it with the values and attributes that are needed to make a marriage work the divorce rate would rapidly decline.
What do you think?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Out of the mouth of babes...

I saw this on another blog and decided that now was as good a time as any to gauge where the girls are at.

How old are you? 5
What is your favorite color? Pink and Purple
What is your favorite animal? A pony and a horsey
What is your favorite food? chicken noodle soup and cereal and milk
What do you want to be when you grow up? A ballerina and a ballerina teacher
What is your favorite book? The nutcracker
What is your favorite song? I love to see the Temple
What is your favorite tv show? Angelina Ballerina
What is your biggest accomplishment? Vacuuming my room and the living room
What is your favorite season? Winter. Why? because it's cold and it feels like it's going to snow. And Christmas.
Where would you like to go for a vacation? Disney World
What is your favorite activity? Dance class
What is your favorite place to go for dinner? Red Lobster
Who is your best friend? Eli

How old are you? two. Happy Birthday to me card!
What is your favorite color? Blue
What is your favorite animal? um...doggie...
What is your favorite food? E.G.G.
What do you want to be when you grow up? Samantha...(not sure where that came from...)
What is your favorite book? This. (showing me over 2 dozen books)
What is your favorite song? Beam! (Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam)
What is your favorite tv show? night show
What is your biggest accomplishment? unintelligible. (Mommy says using the potty.)
Where would you like to go for a vacation? Go trip!
What is your favorite activity? play cards
What is your favorite place to go for dinner? eat cereal
Who is your best friend? Mantha!! Talk Mantha! (Now she is calling Samantha.)

Saturday, January 21, 2012


Since my Dr appt on Tuesday i've had a lot of time to think, reflect and in a way, mourn. My uterus has dropped each pregnancy and it will most likely be a problem either later in this pregnancy, or in future pregnancies. So why does it bother me? I am having my 3rd baby. I should be grateful, I am grateful. I'm grateful that I am carrying this baby. Every child is a miracle and after having my miscarriage and going through fertility treatments, I should know that even more. Yet I still have to come to terms with the fact that I might not be able to have as many children as I would like. I thought I had already confronted it. Especially when I had such a hard time trying for Rora.
All my life all I have ever wanted to be is a mother. I've always wanted many children. As a small girl I would snatch any baby in site and tote them around wherever I was going. When I had that slap in the face of month after month I couldn't get pregnant, I thought I came to terms with it. And then Rora was a miracle. I didn't get my hopes up after I had her that having another one would be easy. I wasn't sure if I could concieve again, and then I had a miscarriage. Another reminder that things don't follow my plan. So when I got pregnant again shortly thereafter, and without the help of hormones, I am thrilled. I am grateful for every moment this child is inside me. I know the pain, the sorrow and I don't want to go back there.
Yet, I still do. I guess this is just one of my biggest trials in this life. And for most people, having 'only' 3+ kids wouldn't be a trial. That is 'normal' for our society. Yet once again I find myself crying to the Lord. Asking, "Why me!?!" And yet I already know the answer. Trust in the Lord, show faith. So I am trying. No matter what happens, I have to rely on him and on his judgement.
I am already blessed so much with the children I have, where there are many I love who aren't so fortunate. People who cry to the Lord for one child. And here I have 3. I am a selfish person. I just have to remember that I am not in control. My faith is in God. He knows what is best for me, both now, and into eternity. With his help, all things are possible.
I guess I just needed to see where my feelings are written down. Sometimes clarity only comes when I can verbalize my feelings. And right now I am putting all my faith back in God. This is his plan and I know that he knows what is best for me. He wants me to be the best me possible. If I only have faith...

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

23 week Dr visit...

I went to the dr today and...I GAINED 3 POUNDS! WOOHOO!! Now i'm up to 129. The baby is growing great, sitting extremely low. In the future (future pregnancies) I might have problems because my uterus is getting lower each pregnancy. Thankfully, right now even though I am having braxton hicks contractions and pelvic pain (the kind that normally doesn't come until the baby drops at the very end of pregnancy) my cervix is still completely closed. Thank the Lord! I've been very worried about it the last week. Oh, and did I mention that the baby is a girl!?! Welcome to the world (in May) Ariella Cheyenne!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Grandma Jones

**warning** This post may get really sappy...

I just got off the phone with my Gma Jones. We talked for almost 45 minutes and I honestly can't really tell you what we talked about. But I can tell you this, she loves me and I love her.
I've been thinking about my Gma during the holidays. Mostly because she sent my girls a package. That package fit in my mailbox. It contained one book on dinosaurs that i'm sure she picked up at a thrift store, 4 cookies, a pair of Christmas socks for me and an angel bell for our Christmas tree, so the girls could ring it and remember their Grandma.
There was nothing extraordinary in her package, yet the reason it stood out so much is that that same day we got two packages from my Dad containing all sorts of Christmas surprises, including unwrapped treats.
The packages from my Dad were delivered to the door while the one from Gma was in our mailbox. We opened the ones from my dad almost 2 hours before I remembered to go check the mail and we found the one from Gma.
Her package stood out to me mostly because the girls were excited when presents from Grandpa Madsen came, yet that was nothing compared to the pure joy when they saw that little package from Gma. It made me pause and reflect. Monetarily, the packages from my Dad were way more than from Gma, yet this little package that overflowed with the love of a great-grandma surpassed every other package we recieved the entire month.
My girls felt that love. Gma Jones sends little packages of love throughout the year, (brag time, one package had a skirt for Kira size 10-12 that Gma had taken in so Kira could have a longer skirt because I had mentioned while in Ut last time that Kira loves skirts but that in her size they seem to only have ones that fall above the knee.) always unexpected and always met with the excitement of Christmas morning.
It isn't about the amount of money that is spent, in anything, it's about the love. My girls feel that love from my Grandma. They know that she loves them. They don't see how truly amazing it is that she sent a package, when you realise that she has 57 (I think) grandchildren and close to 30 great grandchildren. Yet she knows that Kira loves dinosaurs, and doesn't like to wear pants. She intuitively knows when I need a pick me up, when just glancing at the little note pinned to an item (I keep the most recent and some of my favorite on my fridge) can make my day get a million times better. She is my Gma and she truly is the most amazing woman I know. When I grow up, if I can be half the woman, mother, grandmother and great-grandmother she is then I will be amazing.
Thanks Gma, for everything! I love you!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A look back at 2011

In January IT SNOWED!! We had over a week of fun snow play!

To be honest, I don't remember to much about February, but I was rereading my blog and thought that this blurb summed up my feelings for the month.

Rora brought me the book my Mom wrote about her life. She handed it to me and climbed in my lap. She the pointed to the picture on the cover and said, "Ama, ama." I read the book to her and she pointed out on every page the pictures of her Grandma, she kept going back to her baby picture and giggling. (It's a naked baby picture ;)
Rora didn't know that I was missing my Mom when I woke up, yet she could sense it. I firmly believe that she has a connection with her Grandma. It's more than them sharing the same name (Laurel), it's much deeper than that. As if Rora has that extra connection to help me get through these last 7 months and continue through the rest of my life.

With March came springtime! Playing outside, parties with friends and lots of trips to the gardens! Ok, maybe Kira also got some eskimos from Eli :)

Along with more time outside, April brought egg hunts and celebrating the ressurection of our Saviour, we also took a quick trip to Atlanta to attend the temple open house. We also fit in a trip to the aquarium.

Oh the marvelous month of May! May brings strawberry season which is soo close to heaven! This year was one of the better years for strawberries. YUM! Kira also graduated from preschool.

In June Ashleigh came to visit! We had a blast and even took a mini vacation. We visited Chickamauga, went to Lake Winnepesaukah amusement park, the zoo and enjoyed having her here. I sure hope we can make her visit an annual trip!

July was the hardest month of the year for me. I had a miscarriage. It still is painful to think that I should be 2 months away from giving birth and instead i'm not. I pushed through and it was still a fun month. Kira had swimming lessons, we went blueberry picking, swimming with friends and headed out to Utah to attend Shontel & Amorim's wedding.

August found us still in Utah to attend Wade & Rochelle's wedding. August also had a major first for me. I drove home alone with both girls! I still find it amazing that in over 27 hours on the road less than 3 of those were spent with someone upset, frustrated or crying (Mom included!) A feat that wouldn't be possible if my girls weren't such amazing travelers!
Of course, I was busy driving so the only pictures I have of my accomplishment are a couple taken with the camera on my phone.

September brought a trip to Disney World! Our trip was even more memorable because Josh and the girls found out a secret...We are having a baby!

In October I was pretty much down for the count. Thankfully we have amazing friends who took the girls on days where I needed help. Kira was amazing and really took on the role of 'mini mom.' I learned how lucky and blessed I was to have her first. When I was pregnant with Rora (and this one) she was always right there getting me water, rubbing my back and trying to make me feel better. Whenever I get sick Rora runs away and cries. It's so heartbreaking. Amidst all the yuckyness, Kira turned 5! Thankfully I summoned enough energy to have a few of her closest friends over to help her celebrate.

Daddy took the girls camping in November. They had a blast and can't wait for spring when we can all go camping!

In December I started to feel better. WOOHOO! Our days were jam packed with angel tree, Christmas and Rora turned 2!
*We still haven't celebrated Rora's birthday since it's been so crazy. Plus, until she cares, I figure we can wait until the middle of January every year for life to settle down.

All in all 2011 was a great year. There was heartache, but that comes with our experience on this earth. There was also immense Joy. I know 2012 will bring some of the same. I just hope that they joy outweighs the heartache by leaps and bounds! Bring on the new year!