Monday, August 29, 2011

Mundane or Extraordinary?

Here is the scene in my house...(as of 30 minutes ago.)

Christmas music is playing. I am mopping the kitchen floor, Rora has the broom and is 'helping' me clean. Kira walks in and says, "After you are finished mopping will you please help me tie this cape on and then dance with me?"

That was it. Nothing extraordinary, maybe it was the fumes from the vinegar, but suddenly my life felt so perfect. Rora is learning to be a hard worker while having fun, sure, it meant I had to navigate around her, but the look of joy on her face is something I've never had while sweeping! Kira knows that I need to finish the task at hand, yet she also knows that I will help her and dance with her. She is willing to wait patiently for what she desires.

I feel fulfilled as a Mother. Right in this moment, I know that I am doing exactly what I want to do as a Mom. I am teaching them hard work and patience, yet at the same time we are having fun. I know there will be mothering moments that make me begging for help, or a break, anything, yet right this moment, my life is great. I am happy and content and so are my kids.

Isn't being a Mom the best job in the world!?!

Monday, August 1, 2011


A few days ago I spoke with someone (let's call them barbie.) Barbie came up to me and congratulated me on my pregnancy. It sucks having to tell someone that you had a miscarriage. It seems like everytime I say the word I sink a little deeper. Well, Barbie decided to do her best to comfort me. She said, "I'm sorry...well, your kids are so young. Enjoy your time just with them. They need all your attention now."
I had so much more control that I thought I could ever have when I told her that we are mourning our loss and that eventually ill be ok. I wanted to scream at her. To get in her face and ask why my kids being young has any relevance to losing a baby. My baby is still gone. I didn't tell her that Kira was so excited that I was pregnant. That every other minute she was hugging me or kissing my belly. That when I told her the baby went back to heaven she cried, we cried together.
As I was wrestling with all my emotions she had to keep talking. She told me that she was sure it would happen again for me...later.
I finally had to tell her it was good to see her and Rora needs me. What else could I say?
This is 100 times harder to handle than loosing my Mom. Sure, I cried and was sad after I lost my Mom, but I felt like it was her time to go and that she had given me everything. Every hug, every smile, every I love you is imbedded in my soul. She isn't suffering any more and that gives me peace.
But I feel angry at myself and at God. I never got to hold my baby. To even feel them kick in the womb. I feel robbed that I never heard a cry, or saw a smile. I need time to mourn because this loss is so massive. An entire lifetime of love, laughter, smiles and tears vanished overnight. A thousand sibling moments are gone. The fights, the hugs, the late night games, all gone.
I guess what im trying to say is if you see me, please don't try to make this ok. Don't turn it into a positive. My baby died. Just tell me your sorry and give me a hug. Thats all I need.