Cry it out!?!

I am extremely opinionated on some things and every once in a while I need to throw my opinions out there, so here goes.

***DISCLAIMER: This is not a debate. This is how I feel and if you disagree, you can write your own blog about how you feel. If you dont like that, get over it.***

Recently a question came up about sleeping situations for babies. I have thought about this a lot and here is what I believe. For nine months I am everything to my baby as they are growing and developing. Every sound is accompanied by the sound of my heartbeat, comforting them and teaching them that I am with them. There are some children that as soon as they come into this world are sent to a nursery.

Imagine for a minute that you have had one constant for nine months and then suddenly everything has changed. Your temperature isn't controlled anymore, lights are brighter, sounds are more distinct and that constant heartbeat that you have 1come to know means safety with your mom is gone. Sounds cruel doesn't it? Thats because it is cruel. There is a reason that kangaroo care works with premature babies. They know that Mom is there because of her heartbeat.

Now fast forward six months. You have grown and developed. Mom is still your world. You get your nourishment from her, she keeps you clean, gives you comfort and holds you while you fall sleep. As you sleep you feel so safe. The world is huge and Mom is there to help you explore it. She keeps you out of danger and if you ever get scared or hurt, you can snuggle close and hear her heart beating. It is a constant that you know will be there. Then one day, Mom decides that she needs more sleep. You wake up too many times in the night and she needs to teach you that you should be sleeping through the night. Why does she think this? Because the 'doctors' say that you can.
Mom takes their advice but you don't understand. Suddenly you go from falling asleep with her near and her heart beating that reminder, that comfort, to being alone in a room exhausted. Left to cry it out. Eventually you fall asleep. But there is no conforting heart beating to sooth you, no warmth of your Mom's arms to snuggle into. You're alone.
You learn quickly that instead of being able to count on Mom for everything, suddenly she isn't there. You don't know why except that every night you have to fall asleep on your own. That trust that is built between Mother and child is still there, but somewhere in the back of your subconsious, you know that she left you, that at night, you need to sleep on your own. No wonder our society is so detatched.

Now I am not an advocate of attatchment parenting, but some things just make sense. Mothers are encouraged to cut the ties earlier and earlier. It's easier as a Mom to be detatched from our children. To follow the societal norms and just let baby cry it out.
I choose to snuggle my children and maybe I am a little sleep deprived some days(A LOT on others ;) and maybe, I don't get as much done during the day, but maybe, just maybe I have a baby who is secure in her mothers love. A three year old who knows that when she wakes up in the night, Mommy and Daddy's door is open and she can snuggle for a few. She also knows that she might get put back in her bed, yet if she is returned to her bed she is secure in her parents love.

Having my children growing up happy, healthy and knowing that I will always be there for them is worth a few sleepless nights.

Innocence is Bliss!

So Kira has been so sweet since Mom passed. She is having a really hard time understanding the concept of death. She keeps playing with her babies and they 'die.' I told her that it probably wasn't the best way to play with her dolls and she looked at me and said, "Mom, its happy because they are with Jesus and soon they will come back to me and be ressssurrected." - yes, she extends the s when she says resurrected
She was telling Lizzy what happens in Sleeping Beauty and she said that sleeping beauty dies, but then Jesus and the prince come and then he kisses her and she is resssssurrected!
She also talks about Grandma a lot. Josh and I have been discussing when we will be in Utah next and Kira has said that she wants to go back to Grandmas house after Grandma is resurrected because she misses her a lot. She thinks it will be by Christmas.
I wish that her childhood doesn't have to be filled with loss and memories that will fade. I want her to have everything that a girl needs growing up. Especially her Grandma Madsen. I don't want her to be just a faded memory, pictures and stories told by me. Life isn't getting what we want, its being happy with what we have. Even if that means understanding death through playing with dolls.
There is my update on Akira. Sorry its such a sad one. She isn't acting sad, however her actions tend to make me sad for her loss. The baby is awake so I need to end this...

Growing up and moving on...

The last few weeks have had so much joy, yet it hurts everytime that there is any 'event' on our house. Rora has hit seven months! She is getting really good at doing the army crawl, she has mastered the pincer grip and is feeding herself, she learned how to wave 'bye, bye' and she just broke her first tooth.

Kira has also had a fun couple of weeks. She is such a sweet sister. I have the opportunity to watch other children and how they interact. I have yet to see another three year old who is so intune with a baby. To all the other children ive seen, babies are there and they are ocasionally fun to play with, but other than that they are to be ignored. Akira is different. She loves to play with Aurora. She can get her to laugh so much easier than I can and she enjoys it. I don't have to ask her to play with her sister, she just does. She gets so worried at meal times if I get her food before taking care of Aurora. She thinks that as the baby, Aurora needs to come first and for the most part she has no problem putting her first. Whether to get her a binky, give her a toy, or just entertain her. It melts my heart.

With all the wonderfulness( yes, it is a word because I deem it so!) that is going on in my life, there is a deepening chasm that I any trying to learn to live with. Every laugh, every smile or cute saying, every developmental milestone all I want to do is tell my Mom about it. I went from talking to her everyday, or two, or three times a day, to wanting to talk to her every few minutes throughout the day. Maybe its because these few weeks have had such milestones, yet I doubt it. I know she is watching me and smiling down on my family, but that doesn't ease the hole.

I miss my Mom. As she went through all her trials here on earth, I thought a lot about when she would pass on and how wonderful that would be for her spirit. I thought that I could relate to those who have had parents pass. I knew that I didn't 'know' what it was like, yet I felt that I knew better than many. I was so wrong. I could never have imagined the feelings I have. I was able to feel empathy towards others, yet not sympathy. It helps me appreciate the atonement so much more. I can't even fathom how great his suffering was. I am so blessed that he did that for me.

One day my children will be grown and I may be on my way to growing up as well, yet I am not sure if I want to move on from where my heart is at now. I miss my Mom and I hope to keep her memory alive as I try to move on. Somehow I doubt that I will have a day or two without something reminding me of her and her love for me. All I can do is my best to honor her legacy. I love you Mom! Forever and ever!