Weight

I want to take a few minutes and write down how I feel about my weight. This post is more for me than anything else, so feel free to stop reading now.

I grew up feeling fat. It wasn't that I was large, it was just that I was larger than anyone else in my family. I am curvier than my mother. By 12 I couldn't fit in her wedding dress because my hips were to big...at 12 years old. Naturally, I have struggled a lot with my body image. After I had Kira I started going to Curves. I love it. Unfortunately, when we moved to Alabama, I didn't have the support system I had in Utah and with Josh's work schedule, it didn't work out for me to go to the gym so I stopped going. I gained about 15lbs and wasn't happy with my body. Then I got pregnant with Rora and everything changed. I learned so much about myself during that pregnancy. I learned that my body weight doesn't matter when it comes to me. I learned to be grateful that before I got pregnant with her there was a reason I put on that weight. It was so I had something to lose during her pregnancy. I lost 23lbs while I was pregnant with Rora. I ended my pregnancy 2lbs heavier than when I started it and left the hospital 13lbs lighter. The thing is, by the end of her pregnancy I could care less about my weight. I was just grateful that Rora came out healthy. My selfish desires took a back seat to my baby. I would celebrate keeping down 1200 calories. 1200 calories was a victory. It seems crazy looking back now.
So now, 3 years later, as I hear people tell me that they wish they could lose weight like I am, that I am lucky, it makes me want to smack someone. All I want is for my baby to come out healthy. If I gain 50lbs, 100lbs, it doesn't matter. All that matters is the child growing inside me. I guess i've rambled enough because my thoughts are now empty.