Faith

Since my Dr appt on Tuesday i've had a lot of time to think, reflect and in a way, mourn. My uterus has dropped each pregnancy and it will most likely be a problem either later in this pregnancy, or in future pregnancies. So why does it bother me? I am having my 3rd baby. I should be grateful, I am grateful. I'm grateful that I am carrying this baby. Every child is a miracle and after having my miscarriage and going through fertility treatments, I should know that even more. Yet I still have to come to terms with the fact that I might not be able to have as many children as I would like. I thought I had already confronted it. Especially when I had such a hard time trying for Rora.
All my life all I have ever wanted to be is a mother. I've always wanted many children. As a small girl I would snatch any baby in site and tote them around wherever I was going. When I had that slap in the face of month after month I couldn't get pregnant, I thought I came to terms with it. And then Rora was a miracle. I didn't get my hopes up after I had her that having another one would be easy. I wasn't sure if I could concieve again, and then I had a miscarriage. Another reminder that things don't follow my plan. So when I got pregnant again shortly thereafter, and without the help of hormones, I am thrilled. I am grateful for every moment this child is inside me. I know the pain, the sorrow and I don't want to go back there.
Yet, I still do. I guess this is just one of my biggest trials in this life. And for most people, having 'only' 3+ kids wouldn't be a trial. That is 'normal' for our society. Yet once again I find myself crying to the Lord. Asking, "Why me!?!" And yet I already know the answer. Trust in the Lord, show faith. So I am trying. No matter what happens, I have to rely on him and on his judgement.
I am already blessed so much with the children I have, where there are many I love who aren't so fortunate. People who cry to the Lord for one child. And here I have 3. I am a selfish person. I just have to remember that I am not in control. My faith is in God. He knows what is best for me, both now, and into eternity. With his help, all things are possible.
I guess I just needed to see where my feelings are written down. Sometimes clarity only comes when I can verbalize my feelings. And right now I am putting all my faith back in God. This is his plan and I know that he knows what is best for me. He wants me to be the best me possible. If I only have faith...