Rora loves Finding Nemo! She gets to watch it each Thursday for about 40 minutes while Kira is dancing. We just sit in the car and I read while she watches it. Her favorite part is the 'Just Keep Swimming' and will sing it over and over and over again. It's so cute and a great weekly reminder for me to keep going.
The last 6 weeks or so have been really rough for me. I just can't seem to shake this little black rain cloud that has taken up residence above my head.
I feel so disconnected from the world. My family is far away, everyone has their own problems and their own life to live and they all have each other. Me? I have my little bubble. My hubby and a couple close friends. I'm sure it's just the pregnancy. The extra hormones coursing through my body and the fact that no one cares the same way that my Mom would. It makes me become more introverted. Who else besides your Mom cares about each detail at your Dr. appt? Who else wants to hear all the details of your day? Not even a husband understands the details of pregnancy the way a Mother can. I guess it's just harder because I have the memory of my last two pregnancies to compare it to.
If I were to have Ella today I most likely wouldn't tell anyone for a few days. I tried to explain to my Dad that we may take a few days for me to get my head on straight before I am ready to face the loss and not necessarily lack of joy, but the loss of the exuberance that my Mom would show. He flipped out and got really offended telling me that I have no right to keep that from family. Telling me my emotions didn't matter and what mattered was that I am part of a larger group and sometimes we have to focus on the needs of the many. Yet if they don't bother to call and see if I have had the baby, does it really matter if they get a picture a few days later? If I don't focus on my emotional well being, who will? I don't know. I guess I just needed to type it all out. I still feel the same and I doubt that my opinion will change, I know I am being selfish. I know every reason that I should worry about every one else's feelings, but I just can't right now. All I can do is just keep swimming. One day, one hour and sometimes even just one minute at a time is all I can do.
Your emotions do matter, and if you want to enjoy Ella for a few before telling everyone else it is your choice.
ReplyDeleteI can understand your feelings of sadness and frustration about not being able to tell your mom about your doctors appointments or hearing her joy when you tell her your going into labor. When my dad passed 3 days after finding out I was pregnant with Shelby, I cherished the moment I was able to tell him she was coming the day before he passed. During my entire pregnancy I cried every day because I dreaded the day I had her because I wouldn't be able to see him hold her or hear him say her name and tell her how much he loved her. The moment I had her I felt my dads presence in the room, it was brief, but I know that the veil is thin and our Heavenly Father allows us to have a little piece of heaven here on earth. I know when Ella enters this world that your mom will be jumping for joy just as she would if you were to call her on the phone and tell her. Keep you head up and just keep swimming and take care of yourself. Let me know if you ever need to talk, hugs!
Charsty, I'm so sorry that this time is so difficult for you. I haven't lost a parent so I can't relate to what you're going through. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I agree with Khara that your emotions absolutely do matter. This is your baby and Josh's baby, so as long as you 2 are there then that's all that matters for a while. And I say that if, for a while, you just need to hide out at home and be an introvert then you have every right to be. I can definitely relate to that feeling! So, just enjoy your little family and keep taking care of yourself. I know I'm not a super great friend or anything, but I do care about you and hope that you'll feel comfortable asking me for help if there's anything I can ever do for you. And I can't wait to hear about your birth story and to meet little Ella!
ReplyDeleteI can't add anything to what's been said... I'm sorry that life is difficult for you for right now. I know the veil is thin especially at birth. I'll pray you'll feel her presence (and His too).
ReplyDeleteYou are such a great mom and I'm so amazed at what you've taught your girls and how they've run with it.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so down =( Let me know if there's anything I can do to help!
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