Feeling blue...

So I am feeling a bit blue today and need to get it off my chest.

Last night I read Tea for Ruby (I think) to the girls. It was a really cute book about manners and the things that Ruby needed to remember before she had tea with the Queen. At the end of the book you find out who the queen is, yep, it's Grandma. Of course, I had to read it just before bedtime when I was already exhausted. I just sat there after putting the girls down and had a good 'missing my Mom' moment. She had a little table and chairs outside that she had fancy tea with Ashleigh (my niece) when she was little. It's hard knowing that my girls are never going to get special invitations to tea with grandma, that they aren't going to know her as anything more than a memory.

I'm sure it doesn't help that it has slowly sunk in that we will be all alone here (in Al) after Ella comes. It will be less chaotic to have Josh's family and my Dad wait until August to come out, so we can handle the company and since everyone is only going to be able to come out once for her blessing thats the best time for it. Still, knowing that the excitement of her birth will be contained to my home (clarify: meaning I wont have anyone((my mom)) anxiously awaiting the news of her birth, my Dad most likely wont even know for a few days after she is born because in May he is working 12 hour days and rarely remembers to turn on his phone when he does that...) is so hard. Aside from a telling a couple of special friends here and texting family it just wont hold the same excitement level (the sharing part, not her birth.)

And lastly, I think I am mostly feeling really down because I should be gearing up, or already had that sweet baby that I miscarried. They would be due in 10 days and I am still mourning the loss. It's hard when everyone who was due around the same time is having babies. I am so happy for them, yet I still feel this loss so strongly. It truly makes me wonder how someone could abort a baby. I am pregnant and yet I still feel the loss so strongly. I guess it's because I have a mother's heart.

Now that i've gotten all the negative off my chest, I really am grateful for the blessings I have. I'm grateful that Kira excels at math and loves learning new concepts.
I'm grateful that both my girls choose cuddling with Mommy over playing.
I'm grateful for books. For the chance to immerse myself in someone else's fantasy.
I'm grateful for Josh. That he is willing to put up with me and somehow he loves me.
I'm grateful for my friend Jenny, our Wednesday night dinners and the chance to visit.
I'm grateful that Rora is my cuddle bug. That she loves to climb on my lap and asks me to play with her hair.
There are so many blessings I have that others don't have and i'm grateful the Lord has allowed it all.

Alright, you made it to the end. Congrats! You should win a medal...it's a pretend one, my favorite kind :) Now that i've gotten past all those blues i'm looking forward with a positive attitude. Have a great week!